Archive for 2015

Home Archive for 2015

I've never been hospitalized before. And I'm not planning to. Never do.

But then, one day I wake up and cover by lots of...lots of blood. And that day was just unusual for me, neither for any other girls I guess.

I asked my bestfriend that day of what should I do because I was worried with myself and also didn't want to step in middle of some else's path trying to make them with busy with my probs, but she said that I should tell at least my mom. I wondered if I tell my mom this problem would be big but what if IT IS big...

So, with all of my guts on me, I called my mom and tell her what happen. She sounds shaking and she told me stay in bed.

Minutes later, she called me again m. she was telling me that she already arranged an appointment with a doctor at 8pm.

Yeah... just like what I thought it would be

But looking for my condition, it was pretty scary for me. Scarier than facing a doctor.

That evening, I dressed like a sick kinda girl because that was basically my feeling about it. And then it was my turn to see the doctor.

She checked me. USG me. And say, "you are so pale, I need to know your HB of blood" (not so sure what she was talking about). Anyway, she asked me to go to the Laboratory and someone there take the sample of my blood and give me the result. I was hoping that the result is not bad because honestly I can't read what was written in that paper (you know, medical language, duh!)

After that I hand the result to my doctor and she said that I need a blood transfusion and my mom simply responed "Oh yeah, okay, fine."

2 seconds later my doctor explained that to get the transfusion I have to be hospitalized.

What? Who's talking about staying here and not coming back home? No I don't want to.

Then everything was taken control by mom. She wanted me to call one of my friend to accompany me there while she go back to the house and the shits I need.

The nurses took me to the room that fill with two person. That room is quite small because it was full by two giant hospital bed.

My mom asked for another room but they said it was full and that room was the only one left. I might have to wait for the next day probably there'll be an empty room.

So, that night I could sleep. That was the longest night in my whole life.

I tried to sleep. I closed my eyes but then the lights were still on and it bothered me a lot. But I fell asleep maybe like 15 minutes or 20 then I wake up again. That repeat. And it sucks. I just couldn't wait for morning.

Fortunately, in the morning, they got a new room. I moved in and it was so much better. I almost feel like I'm home. People were coming to visit, or gossiping (not so sure, lol), they bring foods and smiles. I have to admit that being sick sometimes the only way to gather people that always absence in other event.

Apa kamu ingat saat pertama kali kamu ajak aku untuk berjalan bersamamu? Menggandeng tanganmu dan tidak ragu dengan seorang laki-laki seperti dirimu? Apa kamu ingat saat pertama kali kamu menjelaskan padaku kalau ada banyak abu-abu yang menunggu kita nanti? Apa kamu ingat saat pertama kali abu-abu menyerang kita berdua dan berjalan berdua terasa mulai berat? Apa kamu ingat saat kita membagi beban bersama tapi kita tetap bergandengan?

‘Kita’ tidak pernah mudah. Kamu dan aku yang paling tahu. Tapi kita tidak pernah saling melepaskan. Kita tidak pernah memilih berpisah. Dan kita tidak pernah mengambil jalan yang berbeda saat ada simpang tiga. Kita selalu mengambil jalan yang sama, kita selalu berjalan sesampingan walau itu menuai banyak air mata.

Pada kenyataannya kamu tidak membawaku kemana-mana. Belum. Kita belum mendekati masa depan yang direncanakan. Tapi aku menikmatinya karena tidak ada yang lebih kuinginkan selain tetap berjalan bersamamu, entah itu menuju serangkaian abu-abu lain, aku tidak peduli.

Aku sayang kamu, lebih dari apapun, kamu tahu kan?

Tapi kita tidak bisa selalu menjadi naif. Kita bisa saja terlalu tenggelam dalam kasih sayang dan lupa dengan apa kita sebenarnya. Dan kita bisa lupa dengan perjalanan kita yang mirip seperti jalan ditempat. Kita bisa mengesampingkan para penghalang.

Lalu pada titik tertentu, hal yang kita takutkan akan datang juga. Masa-masa dimana kita masih ingin berjuang tapi perjuangan itu tidak akan membawa kita kemana-mana dan terlalu banyak abu-abu yang menyerang.

Tidak ada yang bisa kita lakukan selain melepas genggaman atau kita berdua akan terluka karenanya. Walau akan terlalu berat untukmu melepaskan dan terlalu sakit untukku merelakan – akhirnya inilah jalan harus kita ambil agar kita sama-sama selamat.

Lalu kamu bilang “Mari kita ambil jalan pintas. Kita tidak perlu memutar, kita tidak perlu berjalan terlalu jauh, aku takut nanti kamu kelelahan. Jadi lebih baik kita berjalan terpisah dan bertemu di persimpangan selanjutnya, setelah itu kita bisa menyambung jalan bersama lagi. Tapi kamu harus percaya padaku sepenuhnya. Benar-benar sepenuhnya. Percayalah aku tidak akan tergoda dengan apa yang aku temui di jalan nanti. Percayalah aku akan sampai lebih dulu di persimpangan dan aku akan menunggumu, selama apapun itu. Aku tidak akan peduli selambat apa kamu berjalan tanpa aku. Yang terpenting adalah kamu tetap berjalan kearah ku. Jangan kira aku tidak takut kehilanganmu. Aku sangat ketakutan. Tapi takutku kalah karena aku percaya padamu. Dan kamu pun harus begitu. Percaya padaku. Aku janji, kita akan berjalan berdua lagi, nanti.”

Sesungguhnya aku mengutuk ide ini. Aku benci dengan segala kemungkinannya. Dan aku tidak ingin berjalan sendirian dengan membiarkanmu berjalan sendiri pula. Tapi aku tahu ini adalah jalan yang terbaik yang bisa kita ambil.

Sekarang mari saling melepaskan. Dan saling mencari jalan kembali berdua. Aku harap jalan itu bersih dari penghalang dan abu-abu.

Hidup dengan bahagia dan tetap ingat aku. Kita akan bertemu di setiap episode bunga tidur.
Doakan aku, kudoakan kamu. Sampai pada saat kita bisa berdoa dengan ayat yang sama.

Oh, ya, satu lagi. Aku sayang kamu, lebih dari apapun, oke?

Pada meja bundar itu kami berkumpul. Kami bertiga. Walau seharusnya aku dan Wawan berdua dan si jalang itu di pihak lawan sendirian. Tapi aku mulai ragu sejak kebohongan-kebohongan kecil mulai dilontarkan oleh Wawan – pria yang seharusnya paling jujur kepadaku. Lalu kebohongan-kebohongan itu menjadi besar dan rumit. Hingga dia mabuk dalam alibinya sendiri.

Aku tidak mau memanggilnya pembohong. Karena aku tahu bagaimana dia. Aku tahu wataknya. Aku tahu sifat dan kebiasaannya. Pokoknya aku yang paling tahu dia. Sejujurnya, aku tahu dia tidak bermaksud begitu. Dia tidak merencanakan kebohongan. Tapi mungkin dia terlalu takut melukai perasaanku – dan terlalu naif untuk menyerah pada hasrat menggapai perempuan lain.

Karena kebohongan-kebohongan rumit itu kami berkumpul. Kami bertiga. Aku tidak yakin siapa yang berdua dan siapa yang sendiri. Siapa yang melawan siapa dan siapa yang menghianati siapa.

Tanganku bergetar hebat hingga bergidik. Aku menyembunyikannya dengan baik. Aku ingin berteriak dan menjadi marah didepan mereka berdua. Aku menahannya dengan sabar. Dan air mataku sudah memaksa keluar, tapi jalang itu tidak pantas melihatnya.

Jadi kupaksa diriku bertahan untuk tetap duduk diantara mereka dan mencari kebenaran yang diselipkan dalam hubungan dua orang itu.

Aku marah dan benci melihat jalang itu disisi lain meja bundar. Dia seharusnya tidak ada disana. Seharusnya siang ini adalah siang normal yang kuhabiskan dengan Wawan – mengobrol tak karuan berjam-jam disebuah warung kopi mahal, membolos kuliah dan menunggu senja datang.

Tapi aku juga marah dan tak habis pikir ketika ku putar pandanganku padanya. Aku yang paling kenal orang itu lebih dari perempuan manapun, justru aku yang linglung dengan kelakuannya dibelakangku.

Seharusnya dia tidak membiarkanku marah dan frustasi seperti ini kan? Aku kan perempuannya. Dia wajib menjaga perasaanku kan?

Dia seharusnya yang paling mengerti kalau perempuan manapun tidak suka jika posisinya digantikan oleh perempuan lain. Tapi dia membiarkan jalang itu duduk disampingnya ketika dia menyetir. Dia membiarkan jalang itu menggandeng tangannya dalam gelap. Dia membiarkan jalang itu tahu tentang cerita hari-harinya.

Yang seharusnya hanya aku yang tahu. Hanya aku yang boleh duduk disampingnya ketika dia menyetir, hanya aku yang menggandeng tangannya dalam gelap – maupun terang, hanya kepadaku seharusnya dia membagi cerita tentang hari buruk dan baiknya.

Tapi dia justru membagi posisi istimewaku menjadi dua. Aku sudah bukan tunggal lagi. Dan kepada siapa harusnya aku marah?

Dan saat jalang itu mencuri lihat pada dua pasang bola mata Wawan, lalu mereka berbahasa dalam nada kesal – seperti menyalahkan satu sama lain, seperti dua kucing yang ketahuan mencuri ikan.... aku berbisik pada diri sendiri –

Jalang itu yang diantara kami berdua atau aku yang diantara mereka?

You probably already knew that I'm a first child of two, so practically I have a little sister - which is not having a really good realtionship with me.

I always wanted to have a big brother since I was a child because I imagine that if I had one, my life would be so much easier.

My-non excist-brother would help me do my homework,

he would take me to watch movies in the cinema,

he would buy me ice cream,

he would teach me to play guitar,

he would ask me about my opinion of his new girlfriend

he would protect me from the world

and he would save me from broken hearted

Unfortunately, I gotta do it all by myself

Noone help me do my homework

Noone take me to watch movies in the cinema - but my friends

Noone buy me ice cream - but myself

Noone teach me to play guitar (I learned by myself and didn't succeed until now)

Noone ask me about my opinion of his new girlfriend

Noone protect me from the world - but my parents

and noone save me from broken hearted - so I learned from the experience and the broken feeling

But I went to a place where I can meet new people

Learn so much

And get message from each of everyone

In that place, I met 4 special guy which are getting real close to me as a brother

Then in some point I realise that perhaps this is the feeling of having a big bro who protect you and tell the right thing to do to you and become someone you wanted to make them feel proud besides your parents.

That feeling was kind of strange to me but also nice and excited at the same time.

So, for them four amazing brother, I wanna intoduce them into my life :

FIRST

His name is Riza. I knew him in a Listening class. I only have one class with him but he is so kind and fun. He's from Tasikmalaya (I always thought that Tasik is the same with Bandung, Pardon me bro!) and he talks really calm, that's so opposite of me =>

He's one kind of a brother who remaind his little sister not to forget to pray and keep their motivation and the spirit up. The kind of brother that feel happy for others joy and not afraid to give without take. The kind of brother that always obey the rules of family.

"pray and then you can do whatever you want"

SECOND

"dek, let's go break the rules!"

Nah! This is the kind of brother that likes to do things againts the rules. The one that kind of lazy and stubborn and loud. But this is the kind of brother that I can be crazy with and I can always invite him to break the rules. This kind of brother isn't always care about you because he thinks you can take care of yourself and you are already grown up, he never interfere your problems and your relationship with your boyfriend - but secretly, he's always be there. He's gonna be there when you need him. He's there to protect you and to help you heal from broken-hearted.

He's the puzzle that gonna complete the three other amazing brothers.

I met him in classes. Three classes to be exact.

He's Agung from Padang and still taking Public Relation in UnPad.

'Paka Ang!'

THIRD

"take care of yourself, dek"

My silly brother from Papua!

No, he actually a Javanesse but he lives in Papua and he always talks about that place.

About the beauty of Raja Ampat and the way they survive in the east area of Indonesia which is pretty hard. He is a wise guy. The one that's gonna give his little sister advices. He'll tell you what should you do and what you shouldn't.

Call him Vian or Pace or whatever you want XD

He's the kind of brother that's gonna be succeed before anyone else does. The kind of person that work hard to make the family proud and have a nice life. He's that person who take care of things by himself and not being cranky or complain.

He's the motivation for his little sister to be a better person.

He's the person that's gonna choose his family over his business.

I meant to say that because I knew he is. He came to the airport just to watch his little sisters left.

He'll make sure that everything is going to be okay.

THE LAST ONE BUT NOT LEAST

If something goes wrong and the 3rd brother couldn't fix it, just knock his door and leave it to him.

well, he's the oldest. The one that makes rules. The one that's gonna lead his siblings. The one that have the biggest responsibility. He's the kind of brother that's gonna choose his little brother over his girlfriend. The one that's gonna buy me ice cream. The one that's gonna take me to watch the movie.

He's the one that gonna teach me to hold to the responsible and not to let someone down.

He's gonna teach me how to make things - not to destroy them. He's the brother I'll always proud of,

And he's the one that's gonna take you to see the world someday.

I call him Daeng, but his real name is Idul Fitrah. I like Daeng so much more because that will make his identity appears as a Makassar people.

He's also a hard worker. He always there for his family. He's the nicest brother I can possibly have.

And thank God, I do.

I have an amazing brother like him and that is something you can't buy in any store.

I'm so blessed to have an oppportunity to know them all.

For being called 'dek' and being protected.

For being the one they spend their time to check on my days.

For being their little sister.

I hope all of my brothers will find their way to succeed just like what they want.

They'll make their families proud and lucky to have them.

I hope every step they take is the step for the goods.

And when they made it someday, we'll meet again.

Gather in some places.

Talk about our lives.

Throw the same stupid jokes all over again.

But that doesn't mean we lost contact to each other.

Every morning is a 'check situation' moment =D

And I like it. Thank you bro.

I'm the kind of person who likes to make a resolution. I made resolution in a month, in a year and the bucket list for things I have to do while I am alive. Every point of my resolution I write in my personal book. But I want to share as a reminder for 2016 - as I become more mature and leaving teens kind of life.

To be honest, I never care to my resolutions as much as I care with them right now. Back then, I was just an optimistic person in mind but not in action. I made bucket list but I didn't try to make it actually happen.

But it changed when I realize that this is practically my last year of being a teen. I'm gonna be twenty soon (and that's pretty scary for me) and I was starting to question myself "What have you done with your life? Is it better or bitter?"

It's bitter.

"How would you like to make your life brighter?"

"Why don't you start to cross those points after you done it?"

And I say "Let's fucking cross them all."

So, I was trying so hard to make it possible and happens. Then, I wake up in morning and realized that I have already done half of my resolution in 2015 and I felt really good about it. I try to complete them all but some resolution are just too high to reach XD (eat healty food, for example hha!)

Time goes so fast that I already prepare for the next year resolution and I consider what to add and what not to add to my next year resolution. And there we go (I have completed some of them because life is too short to wait for next year:p) :

1. Ordering a starbucks coffee with a fake name

If you wondering why I put this kinda resolution, well, I don't know, I just feel like it and I wanna do it because I never done it. I know that I should put a good points here but this is good - in my opinion. Also, I done this in Ngurah Rai International Airport, they have a Starbucks there and when it happened, I went to the Airport 8 hours earlier than my flight.

"Why you stupid head come so early?"

Because my brother had an early morning flight and I don't want to go around the city without him. We went together and leave together. And when I see Starbucks, I sit there and order a cup of coffee, when the staff asked my name - I think really fast that I have to give a fake name and not to look like I lied. Guess the first name that came out of my mouth....

it was ... "Icha."

He wrote that name in my cup and I officially done this silly point an I'm happy.

DONE : 30/08/2015

2. Get lost in Bangkok and Visit Phi-phi island (or just take my mom to Singapore instead)

I remember when I read Bangkok from Moemoe Rizal, he made a character that has to go around Bangkok looking for a piece of an old calendar. I feel like "Oh! Bangkok sounds so fun..." and if I go there, it'll be the farest place I ever visit wkwk.
Or the other option is to take my mom to Singapore,why? Because I went to Spore with my dad and sister last year. My mom hasn't got any experience of being outside Indonesia and I want to take her somewhere new and seeing her face when she look at the Pasport fill with at least one stamp.

3. Finish a story (please do this)

This is hard. I don't know why but I mostly fail to complete this point every single year.

4. Nonton London: Angel di bioskop

Goldilocks! I looooooveeeeee Windry Ramadhina so much, her writing is always succeed to make me stay up all night just to finish another chapter and they're making a movie based on it.
Actually, I don't put too much hope that the movie will turns out as good as the book because in my personal opinion I don't like the main actress, they choose Nabilah JKT and my first reaction was "Ewwwww...." But I don't know yet, I hope her acting could blow my mind up. We'll see.

5. Dapat Ip semester 3 dan 4 diatas 3.75 (wajib yaaa...)

Wajib! Actually this is not a fit resolution for 2016 because this is the basic rule for my college life. Don't judge me arrogant and act like a smart ass, I have this goal because my major in my university isn't got a real good grades. So if I want to make it til next education I gotta get up to 3.75.

6. Look so good on halal bihalal

Most of you may not understand this point. Here, Let me explain.
Every single year, when it comes to the Lebaran day, on the second day, I have to join with my dad to some kind of an event that held by his office.
That day, I'll meet most of all staff from his office and they all dress pretty good like they want to go to the bowl or something and look at me... Never well-prepared. I just grab any clothes that I would like to wear because I'm too lazy to meet them actually. But in 2016, for the first time, I'll prepare for that event and look good on it.

7. See someone new

I've done this, proudly.

I made this point because, to be honest, I'm sick of people in my hometown. I live there my whole life and I haven't got more friends in this age and the worse is that I'm stuck in a judgemental society.
But I met lots of new people with new stories, new culture, new experiences. They teach me new things, leave some good messages, give spirit and pushing me to reach my dreams. I'm so glad that I met them. I'm really lucky.

DONE : Pare, kediri on July until August 2015

8. Try out new restourants

I'm dying for this point!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It may seem pretty awkward to you but for me, it's not. At freaking all. Because I'm not the kind of person who go to every caffee or restaurant that just opened a few days ago. I'm so not that kind of person. So, if you come from the same hometown as, you probably surprise of many food places I never been to.
Lately, I tried out a few new places. This is it :

*Anima

*Kopikumana

*Pizza Hut

*Brick

9. Go to Derawan island

10. Able to swim

11. Learn how to cook

Yes, you were. You were my sweet cup of tea. I make you every morning. I put some sugar and pour some water on you. You changed. Your colour. Your taste. Your smell.

You changed your form.

Just like you change my day. I stir you over and over. Until I’m sure that you are ready to drink. I lift the glass closer to my face. I can smell the scent really well. Your scent.

I took a deep breath and get your smell inside of me. I was hipnotized by you. You asked me to taste yourself. So I put my lips on the edge of the glass and drink you. I kissed you like noone else does. You took control of me when nobody else could.

The sweetness touched my tongue. I can even feel it with my heart. Your sweetness was my favorite. I was blinded by it. My tongue and my heart started to be insensible. I was nonchalant by any other kind of drink.

By then, I realized that we are the most perfect soulmate that ever exist. We - ah, I start to call you and I 'we' or 'us' - we stay together after years and years. Even longer than I could imagine.

until someday...

A cloudy morning I sat on the balcony with you. Something strange happened.

I start feel something else when I reach the bottom of the glass. You almost gone. I was afraid and anxious. My hands were shaking. I tasted something bitter. The more I drink, it gets bitter and your colour gets darker, just like clouds that day. I don’t know what happen. Can you help me explain this situation?

I closed my eyes. I feel like I’m going to throw up. The bitterness took control, where were you?

I can’t feel your sweetness anymore. And it hurts me. It hurts my tongue, burned my throat and slip through my heart. I was wounded by you. And you’re not here to fix me. You left me all alone with this glass. I looked for you everywhere. At the shop, at the supermarket, mini market even on your field. But I didn't find you.

I was thirsty and it choked me up. I couldn't stand it. So I moved on. But I never said goodbye. Just like you never said a word to me.

what I wanted to tell you is that I drink coffee now. I drink the most bittersweet coffee. It has so many taste. I never drink the exactly same taste as I drink before. It keeps surprising me with its scent and its sense.

I like my coffee better than I used to like my tea.

Eventhough, my coffee sometimes won’t let me fall asleep. But I’m happy because I stay up with him. He never left me, never let me down, never let me taste the bitter only.

and my coffee always warm. He keeps me closer to him. Even closer than my tea did.

My coffee always be there so far. I don’t need to look for another tea cause I’m so lucky to have my coffee next to me.

Dear my tea...

wherever you are, I wish you well. And please try to never let someone taste your bitterness anymore. I bet they are going to die within seconds.

From your ex-addict
The One That Always Sits on A Balcony

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1. Ordering a starbucks coffee with a fake name

9. Go to Derawan island10. Able to swim

11. Learn how to cook

The Author

Latest Posts

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9. Go to Derawan island

10. Able to swim