Archive for 2020

Home Archive for 2020

I came across this phrase when I watched a movie in Netflix, it hits me pretty hard because it's actually true, that "we never know if there will be tomorrow, we never promised that we will see tomorrow. tomorrow is just a concept of hope that we make,"

If somehow, I don't have tomorrows to tell you things about life, to give opinion about your clothes or the colour of your hair, let me tell all about it, through this post. I hope whenever you miss me or have the need to talk to me, you will scroll and re-read it.

I love you. I really do, even now I'm crying while typing this. You always have been a better sister in every way than me. I know you think the opposite, I know you think that I'm better and luckier than you, but the truth is you are the better version of our parent's daughter. You are smarter in every way, but you just give up easily in academics and take the easy way such as paying someone else to do it for you. You'll be smarter if you do it yourself, it doesn't matter if it's hard or if you're not sure about the answer or you don't even know the answer at all! You just keep going, write whatever you think that's relevant with something that could back up your opinion and you're done. It's not hard once it's done and you can get it done. Trust me. You also more creative than me. When you like something, you put 100% in it, but you get bored so easily (just like me), you gotta continue and master it, and make it your skills that not everybody could do! See? You are smarter than me in every way.

Appearance, it's clearly you are prettier, more beautiful than me. You knew it, but that is not the problem. The problem is that you insecure so much of other people. Believe me when I tell you that you are beautiful. You are more beautiful when you are confident. You are far more beautiful when you smile back to stranger. You are beautiful when you believe in yourself. There is no one like you in this planet, and you rock that shit sis. Don't let anybody brings you down. Always get back better, smarter, prettier. People can't tear you apart, because you are so strong, and you have come this far, you will be the best of yourself.

Kindness, you are so much kinder than me. That is obvious. You have no idea how much I adore you for that. In this world, always be that kind, even though people sometimes misinterpret it or take advantage of it. Just like Selena says, "Kill them with kindness". You can kill them with kindness because you are a nice person, unlike me, I'm going to kill them with a chair.

You are bright and shining, if certain people can't see it, leave them behind. You are too precious to be wasted. Remember, don't repeat the same mistake as I did. You are far more aware of love life. You can manage a broken heart, you can be sad, but not more than 2 days okay? In two days, you gotta get back taller, bolder, better than before. Show people that they can't break you.

If you are not sure what you will be in life, just be yourself. Learn a business, learn how to invest, learn about money management, don't trust other people with your money, don't lend people money if you expect them to return it, don't let money be the one thing that's breaking your connection to someone. Save and take care of your property and your assets, don't sell it unless you really have to. If everything is well, travel once in a while. Go to Korea, have really nice lunch, dinner and snacks just like you dream of. Watch concert, meet your idol, meet new people. Make sure have money to survive life at least for the next 6 months, then you can do all the fun things. (Also don't forget to make up your bed every time you get up, make it a habit).

I know, we are not religious people, but you gotta be one. You are no doubt also better than me at praising god. You always have god to talk to, remember that. Keep it straight every day, pray for other people too, your family, and all the muslims in the world. Life can be hard sometimes, but it will get better eventually, because the no storm will last forever, you just gotta hang on to yourself, believe in yourself you pass this storm. I will root for you, in any way possible.

I am proud of you. I am grateful to have you as my sister. Even though sometimes you are too annoying. Enjoy life by being your amazing self sis. You are the only friend-enemy I have that will always sticks with me.

Smell the vanilla and feel the sun, today is the day you're getting officially engaged. The families are getting together, sit around the table, getting to know each other. You're not really sure about the feelings deep down. Strange, very strange. It's not exciting anymore, slightly confusing, also not to mention about the pressure. You're crying the night before and the day before. Dealing with things, small things, irrelevant things, many things. You're tired inside and out. You want to disappear so bad the night before, until you dial the number. Pick up the phone, stay in the lane. You're right where you are supposed to be. You're just tired of fighting, misunderstanding things and presumptions.

Be careful of what you wish for. If it turned to be true, you might not going to like it. It's okay, you'll adapt. It's always harder in the beginning, but you'll survive, I know you will. When someone believe that you can do anything because they know exactly what you're capable of, just trust them. They know you more than you know yourself sometimes.

Pictures are perfect. The smiles are not. You try your best to hide the thoughts and the demons but they stayed. People who knows you best, they know something is wrong just by the look on your first picture. You're happy but something is getting in the way. Sooner or later it'll be over. Smile for the picture, just to give them dozens to upload. Are you playing songs in your head? Turn it off and smile nicely.

Being engaged is some girl's dream. You are not one of them. Being engaged is overrated. It's not changing anything specific. Just another tradition. Live in the moment. Enjoy this, it'll only happen once in your life, you're telling yourself for the seven times already. Are you even paying attention of what everyone else's been saying? No. You don't. You're confused. Act normal. Act like you're meant to be in this room, sitting in the middle of this long table and you look good in white. No, you look pale in white, you always has been.

What time is it? Is it past twelve? You're still hungry, you didn't eat anything before and you can't eat much because of so many lame reasons. You want to go to the bathroom, the AC is making it too cold, but everyone seems fine with it. Act normal. Where is your phone? Calm down. It'll be over soon.

You are on the tail. People are not in their seats anymore, but some still having lit conversations. The date is settled. The hammer has been knock down. You did it. You can breathe now. I know there's still red here and there but put it aside just for another minute. After all, it's not so bad right? Eat up the fruits, don't let it go to waste. They are standing, hugging, kissing cheeks, saying very much of good words as a pray. The party is over. Go to the cashier, pay the bills, leave the room, get in the car, start screaming and finally accepting. You have a fiancé now.

Congratulations, you are engaged.

I am proud to say that this month I did some progresses in my life, generally. We started to build up the house. I helped too, not much but better than nothing. The progress is quite significant. The walls upstairs are standing tall, not all of them but mostly. The second week of June, my boyfriend came home, finally, after six months of not seeing him in person. We almost forgot how it feels to have each other side by side. Keep up with the fast train, the stories, the laughter, the love. He also helped out in our soon-to-be home almost everyday of his break time.

Next thing is we also had a family gathering. Like family dinner. Our first family dinner to be exact. It went well. There are funny moments and sweet-awkward moments but it really well after all. One step at a time. We are going towards it, slowly, but sure. The exact next week, we met again in Syaffira's event. Went well as well. This and that, twenty days have passed. He got to go back to work, and I got to continue my work here.

Tomorrow is the last day of June.

Thank god, I didn't break the one-post-per-month rules. Almost did.

But didn't.

I'd like to share my next move that I need to get done before he comes back here in late August or early September. I have to do my thesis revision. I have to helped out on our house. I have to study. I have to figured out several things. I have to be prepared. There are so many excited things to do. Things I have been waiting for to happen and it is finally here. I just have to live it to the fullest.

But sometimes, we all have distraction, and the distraction is somehow so bright and powerful. Like the need of taking a nap and end up spending the rest of the day, not making progress, or the phone, the scrolling timeline endlessly. I know that instead of doing those, I should be doing something else that much more important. But it keeps getting in my way. Or that is just me being lazy.

I think that's one of the challenge of staying at home, and we set the boundaries ourselves. So we can obey or not, not much of consequences. Yup, that is pretty much the struggle that has been going on in my pandemic season. However, I will fight it everyday. July is where I am supposed to be working hard and pushing the progresses. I don't know how it'll turned out but I hope for the best.

To June next year, I am super excited to find out what you look like. I hope it's romantic, I hope it's blissful, I hope it's pandemic-free.

To June this year, you done well. Thank you very much.

Sejak hari aku ujian proposal tesis, which is hari terakhir kampus unair beroperasi karena harus dihentikan akibat pandemi virus corona, seluruh mahasiswa kuliah secara online, via zoom atau google meet atau apapun yang lainnya, you name it, intinya kita gak saling temu.

Rasanya gimana kuliah online? Well, honestly, it sucks.

Kuliah online sangat tidak produktif, banyak distraksi, kuliah tidak tersampaikan sebaik tatap muka langsung, terlalu banyak tugas tanpa pembahasan materi yang jelas. Memang awalnya enak karena bisa balik ke rumah masing-masing dan gak perlu ke kampus, tapi lama-lama kuliah online gak memicu niat dan motivasi untuk bener-bener belajar. Sedikit banyak mahasiswa dan dosen depresi karena ancaman corona, bosan dirumah aja, butuh lebih banyak interaksi sama orang lain secara langsung untuk berkembang, yang berujung kemalasan. Sulit untuk stay positive and stay productive, seriously. Hardly to maintain all the positive vibes. Tapi mau gimana lagi? It's the best solution we can get. Tetap kuliah walaupun tidak begitu menghasilkan. Berusaha tetap berproses dan berkembang walau kita dibatasi oleh jarak dan hidup dalam sebuah gelembung.

Kuliah online is one thing, Nesis online is another thing.

Kalau kuliah online aja sangat-sangat malas dan setengah hati, apalagi ngerjain tesis! Seriously, this is not what I was planned! I planned to finish my thesis at least one month after the proposal, but now it's almost two months since and I'm not done yet. Not kidding. It's a war. Battle between my tiny productive-self and the big laziness and procrastination. Every night I promised myself that I will do my thesis in the morning and making some progress but ended up waking up late and not doing anything about it. Not to mention, the difficulty of looking for bahan-bahan hukum untuk menganalisis rumusan masalah, gak ada perpus sama dengan gak ada contoh, gak ada contekan bahan, gak ada inspirasi, gak ada komparasi. I am on my own. Just me, and the internet.

Sungguh, untuk lulus butuh niat yang besar untuk menyelesaikan semua. Corona mungkin bakal lama. Aku sendiri optimis pandemi ini baru akan selesai awal tahun 2021, which is we have 8 months left until the world is better. Aku gak bisa nunggu corona selesai. Kita gak bisa nunggu corona selesai. Selama corona kita harus tetap berprogress. Kita harus tetap jalan meski satu atau dua langkah, setidaknya sedikit lebih dekat, daripada berdiam dan tidak ada langkah sama sekali. Ya kan?

I know I will have some motivated days dimana aku akan bangun pagi, stick to the plan for the day, doing what I have to do, and actually making progress. But I also will have some lazy days dimana aku terlalu malas untuk melakukan apapun. Contohnya aja hari ini, which is hari pertama Ramadhan and I got my first period and it fucking hurts and I don't want to do anything, literally anything at all. I just keep on scrolling, listening to music, taking long naps, sitting in the balcony wondering when corona will be gone, and for once today I do something meaningful, writing my personal blog. Dan dua jenis hari itu adalah hari yang biasa. Hari yang dimaklumi dan dapat diterima. I won't be too hard on my self, I promise. This is not a competition against yourself, this is a way of living while surviving.

If you somehow, reading this and we're not done with corona yet, I hope you're okay. I hope you're in your home, with your family, with your spouse, have something to eat and that's all that matters now, right? Help others in need, if you could. If not, stay alive, stay home.

See you in after-corona life!

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