It just flies. September flies so fast, but I learned a lot this month. I learned to see the bright side, to let go of things, to be patient, to be impatient, to forgive for greater things, to believe that everything happens for a reason, to not be too harsh on giving advice, to be genuinely happy for other people, to try even though most likely to fail. 

I still get angry easily at certain things. Still holding some grudges at certain memories. I can't help it, I still take it personal. I don't have the time to work or heal from it, or I simply just don't want to, maybe because it's easier to hate than to understand, or maybe I just don't know what to feel in other way. 

I just finished 16 episodes, each is an hour and a half in one freakin' day, and I feel really good about it. I slept 4 hours, didn't eat much, but I like it. I mean, it's been a long time since I enjoy things like this. Wasting my time for something that actually entertain me and didn't expect something useful in my actual life. Perhaps, I finally start to slow down in life. 

I used to feel guilty every time I did something that consume my time but didn't gain real impact in my life. Like, I have to be productive most of the time. Even watching tiktok, I have to find new informations, inspirations, insights, and so on. I never fully enjoyed watching tiktok for hours because of that thoughts. But today was different. I was willingly to waste my time for True Beauty, watching Cha Eun Woo and the luckies girl on earth who got to kiss Cha Eun Woo and KIM SEON HO at probably the same year... Moon Ga-Young. 

Anyway, it's nice to finally slow down. Haven't been slowing down since first college. It's been exhausting. I hope I will be enjoying life more in the future, and not so insecure and stress-out about everything. Probably gonna add 'Watching Korean Drama' as my current hobby, lol. 

*You can breath now, Nad. Just enjoy the view. Enjoy the routine. It's okay. You can take your time as long as you want. You can be yourself and ignore the world. You don't have to achieve anything you don't want. Life is better when you slow down, right?*

Right. 

 I was so angry, I am angry. 

But I didn't think that being angry is this exhausting, because I used to be angry all the time and that didn't burden me at all. Now, it exhausting, so much. and I cant tell anyone about it. It's not that I dont have someone to talk to. It's no one else should ever know and I cant tell them. shouldnt. couldnt. wouldnt.

my anger is transforming into tears and probably disappointment. I just cry and maybe drowning myself in a good movies. I dont have to think about it so I dont get angry. I just have to live every single day until it doesnt hurt that much anymore. 

yes. i just need that. 

just go on with your live and live the day. smile and laugh about anything else. dont think about your problems, it doesnt exist if you dont think about it. I overthink a lot. that's why. I can't run away like I used to when I get mad. so, just run away from the problems and stay at home, hugging yourself, make yourself comfortable, you always have you. you are the best company. 

eat well. eat whatever you want. 

dont let the phone out of your sight because you need the distractions. it's okay, it'll pass. i keep playing the drama over and over again in my head and that makes my blood boil. i shouldnt. i should just laugh at a comedy drama. play games at my phone. clean the house. meal prep for the lunch at the office. dont take office too serious either. just enjoy being alone. just enjoy the present. it's okay, i'll pass. sorry for the bad grammar and the typos. 

I can calm myself. 

but the thoughts some times just stroke in my heart and anger and anger and anger. Nadia the angry one. bad at controlling the emotional. always angry, always mad. am i still that person deep down? maybe. some people say i change much. more calm. really? i dont know. all i know now is that being angry to someone you love is super exhausting, you dont want to be angry but you have to be. because if not, then they are gonna think that you're weak and soft and you lose control. 

maybe you have too much control over everything. 

yes, you are. because that's who you are. a controlling freak. i cant be controlled. i control everything, that's what i do. but why did they make it so easy to break my trust? now i'm left behind, figuring out what to do, what to feel, how to react to that betrayal. a very small betrayal that grows. it can grow if i let it bloom. i cant do that. should i be the possessive one? should i just gave up? what should i do?

you should stop overthink. 

yeah, that's what i should do now. imma fry some fries and drown myself in money heist season 5. I know i wont be 100% focus on the story, but at least i calm a little bit. okay. you can do it. eat and watch movies. take a rest. you deserve it. you did well. you did well. we can pass it though. i love you.