Archive for January 2017

Home Archive for January 2017

If you asked me what I want
I'll let you know

I want you and I
Driving around the city at 2 a.m.
Without worrying about anything

I want you and I
Going to the cinema
With our bags full of snacks
And when the lights out, the movie starts
I wanna put my head on your shoulder
Without thinking you might feel uncomportable

I want you and I
Taking lots of selfies
Because we likes to act weird
And not afraid of someone finding out about those pictures

I want you and I
Doing cardio and sometimes gyming
When we don't have too much to do in school

I want you and I
Lying in my bed, sharing our secrets
Our deepest thoughts
Revealing our dark side

I want you and I
Feeling free and young
Surrounding ourselves with positive vibes
No jealousy nor secrecy

But don't mind it
We don't have to rush
Just let it flow
Let everything falls into line

Once upon a time
I met a boy
I like him
A little too much adore him
But not enough to categorize him
As a prince
So we made to be a close friend
Not too close
But closer than it should be

One day
We crossed the line
He gets too comfortable with me
And when he asked,
"Do you feel the same?"
My heart answered,
"I'm not sure"
But my mouth said,
"I like being with you"
I do
I like spending time with him
Apart from imagining myself go down on him

Last night
He literally told me that he feels comfortable around me
That I put away all of his pain and sorrow
That I gave him benefits
But I was worried
What if I get too comfortable too?
I might break my own heart
And he might not even realise it

He is the kind of boy
Who hard enough to figure out
Especially on the inside
Now he is an open book to me
While I'm not sure weather to read it or not

Today
He asked me to go see the movie
It's a good idea
So I can figure out what is going on
What to feel
How to react
How to behave

You know
Getting too comfortable is too dangerous
The question is only one
"What if you fall in love?"

"Pakai waktumu sebanyak mungkin,
Untuk bisa mengerti apa yang terjadi diantara kita.
Gunakan otakmu untuk berpikir.
Gunakan hatimu untuk merasakan.
Lihat apa yang salah dariku, lihat apa yang salah dari kita.
Tapi jangan lupa,
Bahwa aku juga punya waktu,
Aku juga punya otak dan perasaan,
Aku hanya ingin mengingatkanmu,
Jangan sampai saat kamu sudah mengerti segalanya
Dan kamu tahu apa yang harus kamu lakukan untuk membuat hubungan ini berjalan...
...namun aku tidak lagi ada disana untukmu.

Jangan salahkan aku kalau kamu kehilangan waktuku,
pikiran dan perasaanku saat kamu terlalu sibuk dengan milikmu."

- hanya sebagai pengingat kecil dalam saku terdalammu -

So that's it. I guess this is the end of us.
Our long complicated story.
If I flash them back all over again, I might be in tears.
Not for losing someone like you, but for the fights and trust I put on you.
For ending up like this.

Losing you is like losing a huge burden.
I no longer have to deal with someone who doesn't really want me.
I no longer have to fight for someone who doesn't appreciate the effort.
I no longer have to think about someone who doesn't really care about me or my day.

Losing you is like cutting out the parasite.
I no longer have to carry you around everywhere in my mind.
I no longer have to worry about things I did just because you might not like it.
I no longer have to treat myself like I was the second choice.

Losing you is like...
...almost...
...a relieve...
Because I only lose someone who doesn't worth my fight and time and effort and trust.
I only lose a loser.
I only lose a pathetic human being who doesn't care about other people.

Wake up.
We're at the edge.
Help me.
Or help yourself.
Are you really,
really gonna let me go?

Wake up.
We're at the edge.
But I'm still here.
Fight for me.
Am I worth it?

Wake up.
We're at the edge.
We can restart.
Or fix the broken.
First you gotta show me,
That you care.

Wake up.
We're at the edge.
My time is running out.
I don't have forever.
Do something,
Before I fall off the cliff.

Wake up.
We're at the edge.
We're mess.
But we're the nice kind of mess.
We're screwed.
But we used to love each other,
Aren't we?

Something is definitely wrong with me.
Or is it just the situation?
My head keep running around searching for something
Anything, I'm not sure
But I can barely breath
And he still on my mind
He and his shadow
Or duplicate
Or twin
Or whatever

I hope this is just the situation
Cause if it isn't then I'm in a big trouble

She was just scrolling down her phone screen, when she realize something big. She glazed at the ceiling, trying to be sure, she was thinking it through. Don't be afraid, she was alone so nobody's got to see her cry, because she is.

You know, she finally understand one thing about you and her, well, it's always been you and her, but this time are different. You got to listen to her. Listen carefelly. She meant every word that came out of her mouth.

She thought that you are the first success person who figure out all of her;

Every inch of her;

But you are not the one who understands her;

She thought that you are the one that she loves;

With all of her heart, skin and bones;

But you are not the one who can easily talk to when she'd like to discuss about universe.

She thought that you are the one who can bring the best in her;

for the world to see;

But you are not the one who appreciate her time and effort.

She let you down several times. But you failed her a few more.

She is sick and tired. But you are not listening.

That's it. Maybe you'll read, maybe you don't. She just wanna try to make you notice what is wrong with her this whole time. Trust me, you'll find the answer if you put your ear a little closer.

I should wrote this long time ago. This post is kinda important, cause I need to tell you that it finally feels okay.

It was the usual day.

The sun is up, nice and not too bright.

I dress normal. I was going to school.

You know, I was driving slow, passing the neighborhood.

And suddenly, the thoughts of you striking up at my face.

I was thinking of you, but not completely who you are, or at least the person I thought you were.

I feel like I'm losing you and I'm aware that I am! But I always thought that you'd come back to me eventually, like you always did.

Guess that morning I realize that I was wrong.

You are clearly not coming back.

My inner peace would say that I have to get your focus back on me.

Surprise, I wasn't thinking that way.

More surprise, I think that I can finally let you go.

That I've been chasing my tail all this time.

You're not who I thought you were anymore.

I've lost you since I left you.

I've changed you since I broke you.

And that's not your fault. It's one hundred percent mine.

More and more surprise, I realize that I can do nothing about it.

I've tried to put your pieces back together but you are glasses.

You can't be perfect just like before.

I'm expecting ghost to come knocking at my door.

More and more and more surprise, it feels fine.

I accept that you're deadly mad at me.

I accept that I'm not going to be your alley any years from now.

I accept that you don't want me to be the part of anything in your life.

I accept your decisions. I do.

Now, let me admit that you are the man who keeps his word.

I forget a lot of things these days, but I'm never gonna forget the day when you said that you're gonna disappear from my life if we ever broke up for the same reason as the first one. You said you gave us one more chance and you put every pulse, every blood stream, every atom in your body to work that relationship with me. But in the end, you get fucked up, by me.

Unluckily, we seperate for the same reason. You keep your word, you still do.

You're near, but you're not here.

I can see you, but I can't reach you.

You are disappear.

I'm sorry. Never enough for me to say it through these post on my blog.

I just want you to know that it finally feels okay to let you go.

You were my past. You made me who I am today.

I'm thankful for that, every day in my life. Cause if it wasn't you, I might be a different version of me right now. And this post wouldn't even exist.

So,

I pray that you'll have a great journey ahead of you, when everything finally falls into line.

Perhaps later on, you will cross my path or I cross yours,

and we finally start over again,

as strangers.
And I promise, no more baes.

I know. It's new year. But you know what? Fuck it.

I kinda lose feeling for new year and even worse I just realize that I hate January not sure since when. It's not that I hate the new beginning, well, I worship it. I live with it. Every single day. But new year...with all of the people are celebrating it, lighting up tons of fireworks, booking hotel rooms and decent restaurant with sky view is just...kinda overwhelming, you know.

Not sure if I'm old fashioned or perhaps just not finding the right person to spend new year with.

However, I'm sure about one thing tho...I stopped celebrating new year since long time and I'm not planning to celebrate it at least for the next five years.

Still, I like the idea of starting over certain things in life.

Like, changing night and day routine, take vitamines, try out some workout, set new goals or learn how control anger. I used to have a clear sight of things I want within a year. I wrote it, I remain myself everyday to work for it. But this year kinda different tho.

Tbh, I feel like lost somewhere.

Hiding.

Off.

Unmotivated.

Whatever you named it.

It's messing up my head and breaking up my heart.

Fail to reach my goal was disappointing but not sure what the goal was unbelievably giving me bad impact.

What's wrong with me anyway...

Ugh. Sucks.

But I keep working on it to figure out whatever it is making me feel down. Guess I'm just trying to figure out my goddamn self. I think it's time. It's the perfect timing. I keep telling myself that I'll never knew what I'm gonna find or who I'm gonna see the next intersection, So keep going.

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