Silver Lining

ranger riding through an open space

Home Archive for 2017
I've been gone for too long from this site, it hurts me to break the achievement of not skipping a post every single month. But I have a really good reason to back me up, and to apologise for that, I'm gonna post that thing I do for 3 months that got in the middle of the way until I couldn't update anything to my personal blog.

I prepared an event. A huge one. 
Well, for someone like who never touch anything such an organisation or being an event organiser, it's a huge thing! Also, I play an important role, hmmh, *rolling eyes* I was the secretary. Can you imagine that? someone like me...doing something like that...arranging things for the event...meetings everyday...survey every week...thinking about it 24/7!

The good news is, the head of this committees was my boyfriend. No joke. This event got lead by the two of us, and I think that was cool because it made us like the kind of couple with qualities *Haha*, this journey of preparation and D-day is just going to be the story that we'd tell to people over and over again. Although, this event almost broke my brain into two, but I manage to survived . WE survived. And the event went pretty well, though. 

Until next year, fellas.




I apologise to myself that I haven't post anything for the past few months. It was because I was so busy preparing the event, even sleep was a luxury. So sorry.

So, this is that time of the year, again. 
Count down the days, we all gonna leave 2017 behind and step forward into 2018. I used to review what I've done and what I've become in a year, and then, what I want to become the next year. 

Well, this year...

Let's not erase that tradition.

2017. 

My achievements:
  • I have an agenda full of things I planned and already done all year long. I found out that it very helpful during my days. Keep it up!
  • I passed the most horror subject. And I got an A.
  • I did my proposal test, I was the first person who did that in my specific major.
  • I did my best to be a secretary in a big event.
  • I live by my self. Arrange things by my own.
  • I found love.
What I learned this year: 
  • Life goes on. some people that close to us could actually be gone because we didn't keep up with them and we actually didn't mean to throw them out of the picture, it's just life is getting busier and  before we even know it... we stopped make time to contact them,  to ask about their day or how their test goes. we stopped not because we want to,  but because it happens.
  • I have to know where I stand. figure out my role, how important I am, and sync it to how I behave.
  • Time to learn to take it slow, my words is a stiletto.
  • I'd never know how hard I could work or how bad I can survive a really heavy day or a bad problems, if I don't stand up and just let it happen, let it flow, it'll over.
  • I overcome my expectation of how strong I was, I just have to let it.
  • That sometimes, dream could just pooff! GONE.
  • Don't look for somebody to love just because you are lonely. I know that it's hard to be honest to yourself, but you could make the same mistake by wasting your love on somebody that might just not right.
  • God has save somebody for you, if he/she isn't here yet, well probably it's not the right time. Just wait and see. He/she will eventually cross your path.
  • Once you have that somebody, and you know that he/she is right for you by your heart...don't ever ever let he/she get away, because if you do, you won't find someone like them anymore.

My 2017 has been amazing. Really. I could say that this year is my game, but I'm looking forward to the better at 2018. I'll be 22 next year, I have to be more than who I was. 22 isn't a joke anymore. It's time to grow up. 

Bye-bye, '17. Thank you for all the sweet and sour journey you pourin' in me.

Now I finally have something to complaint about after a long time.

I wanna talk about people and expectation.

Lately I feel like I’m a saint woman who always gives everything she has. I shares what I got and I learned to be patience. Everything that wasn’t my nature but I tried to turn it into some kind of habit, because it’s a good thing to do. That’s what human does. We live for that, aren’t we?

Give and share.

Both are good words. People adore those acts.

But let’s check the impact.

First, people. If someone is giving away their attention so easily or sharing their source of happiness publicly, people are starting to expect for it. The more we expect, the more we might get hurt. So the second is expectation. That is such a dangerous thing to feel. Expectation might kill you, you know. No, you don’t know that yet. You’ll know when you figure it out by your own.

I’m in the middle of that road. Someone has expecting me to be kind and generous all the time, in fact that I couldn’t. I might be able to do that but not 24/7. Maybe because I got demons too and I need to set them free once in awhile, they demand to be fed or maybe because I’m tired of trying to be someone else or fitting in to the kind of personality that doesn’t match me.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to run. I wanted to do both.

This ain’t me. I wanna find myself again.



Note:
“Don’t expect too much from me. 
Your expectations are going to my burden 
And I might hate that 
And I don’t wanna hate you.”


You know you love someone when you don’t hesitate investing in them. Invest your time, effort, energy even money.You know you love someone when you would do anything just to make them happy.
You know you love someone when you patiently wait whole day just to see them.
You know you love someone when suddenly their smile is the only smile that could brighten up your day.You know you love someone when you don’t mind wasting your precious time just to share silence moment, as long as you are near them.You know you love someone when you feel your eyes are glowing whenever you see them right in the eye.You know you love someone when staring at them is the most favorite thing you do, touching them is the second and kissing them is the third.You know you love someone when you don’t mind walk out in the middle of the night to accompany them and forget that you can easily catch a cold.You know you love someone when you just wanna skipped a day that doesn’t include them.
You know you love someone when they are becoming your whole day.
You know you love someone when they are becoming your only smile.You know you love someone when they are becoming your favorite living body that carries a beautiful soul.You know you love someone when they are becoming you.
You know you love someone when you and they are one person. 
Today, I saw you
You were acting like everything is fine
Nothing matters, nothing is going on in your head
Your heart aren't breaking
You were trying so hard to make me laugh
You were dreaming as my amuse one more time
You wanted me to look into your eyes 
And believe that
You were okay
While I know exactly that you are not

I know how you feel about him
My new man
He is everything better 
In every way
In every angle
Than you
He is more handsome
More gorgeous
Taller
Sexier
More importantly...Nicer
You were afraid to see him
You don't want people comparing
Because he will definitely win the game
Or maybe you are sorry
You remember how bad you treated me back then
How ungrateful you were for having a girl like me
Only a girl like me
Not worth so much for you
Now you can't stand the fact that you were wrong
So wrong
The fact that you regret all the words you said to me
Because you always brought me down
And never appreciated me
You always complained on how unpretty I was 
And how my body should look
Now you couldn't see me with him
Because he is doing the things you know you should have done
He is having me, owning me, embracing me, proud of me, accepting me
Even my smallest flaws
And he is willing to spend the rest of his life with me
Again, unlike you
Unlike you

Shame on you
You had 7 years to work on a relationship
Towards a life that we dreamed about
But too bad, you only wasted it
Wasted it like you will always have me
Wrong
People could leave
We're not forever remaining the same
I could leave you
And I have told you a million times that I would if you didn't change anything
For the better
I warned you
Guess what, you never care enough
Until leaving you was the only choice I got
And meeting him was the best thing that ever happened since I met you
Banyak yang datang
Beberapa diantaranya sempat menetap
Sebelum kemudian pergi
Dengan paksaan, maupun dengan kemauan sendiri

Di antara mereka
Ada yang kisahnya belum tuntas namun sudah terlanjur diakhiri
Ada yang berakhir, namun kemudian diberi kesempatan untuk mengulang kembali
Mereka adalah orang-orang yang jalan hidupnya pernah bertabrakan dengan milikku
Beberapa diantaranya mengajarkan
Sisanya kadang menyakitkan
Beberapa diantaranya meluluhkan
Sisanya melumpuhkan
Beberapa diantaranya mengukir senyuman
Sisanya menghasilkan luka sayatan
Beberapa diantaranya menyakinkan
Sisanya meragukan
Sampai akhirnya yang datang itu berhenti
Yang menetap pun akhirnya pergi

Kadang hari terasa sepi
Dan hati berani untuk meminta hati lain untuk dikasihi
Namun aku menolak untuk mencari
Kubiarkan saja yang direncanakan untukku terjadi
Tanpa intervensi

Disinilah bagian ceritamu dimulai
Seseorang yang tidak bisa kuprediksi
Muncul begitu saja tanpa permisi
Kamu tidak terasa seperti beberapa 
Bahkan semua di antara mereka
Tidak terasa seperti janji
Juga tidak mencintai sendiri-sendiri
My nights aren't cold anymore
Ever since you came into my life
Nights are short whenever I'm with you
Because you told me stories you wouldn't tell anyone else
And you listened to all my mumbles
No matter how irrelevant it was

Nights are short whenever I'm with you
Because you showered me with kisses
And you never let me slipped out of your arms
Until I feel safe
Even I forget that nightmares are exist

Nights are short whenever I'm with you
Because I love it how you make your presence worth
Every single second I have
And you make me realize that
Time are so precious we shouldn't wasted it
Turn every chances of being together
Into the sweetest memories

One short night
You looked right into my eyes
Comb my hair with your hands
Slowly took my breath away
You said
"As long as I still got time, I'd spend it with you
There are a bunch of choices on how I spend my spare time
I make sure that I will choose you a million times
And a million more
So, please don't resist me"

I cried my heart out
Nobody has ever told me anything
As sincere as you did
I nodded, I promised to myself that
From now on, I won't resist you
Not in a million times
Let's live the nights
A million more

We were never a coincidence
The universe sets us up
And it look so obvious

We were crossing each other's path
Way too often to be called coincidence
But we were never pay attention to it

At the time when we stopped in the same intersection
We both didn't force anything
Just let everything flow
So slow

What we didn't know is that
Universe and love are partner in crime
The universe does the job on the field
The love takes care of the rest
Now we met by their arrangement

No coincidence
I never believe in that anyway
And until the next intersection
I hope they are still setting us up

I'm not ready for you. That's the whole truth. 
I missed you but I'm not ready to jump in into you. I've got too much things unfinished and so many uncrossed list. Plans I made last year still not fulfilled, now I have to make new ones.
I feel frustrated. See, I have this burden in my mind, not in my shoulder, because I got to mold myself into the girl I want me to be, and she isn't fully here yet, she's still far from the way I imagine. 
August, I don't think that this year I'll bring success for our duties. I might fail almost half of them. It makes me wonder if I deserve to make the new list for my own. 

I've been lounge. I didn't appreciate time. Even waste it. 
I want to get back on track, but seems like the road is foggy. I'm glad but I don't see things clearly. Is it because happiness are blocking my view or is it just me?
I want to be me again. I do. Guess, I need to change things around here again. Weed out the obstacles. Embrace the goodness. 

August, I missed you so much. But I haven't been fully myself. I don't wanna see you in this shape. You deserve a whole out of me. You deserve my best. I want to get lost in you. I want a break from the world and be with you. I've had enough of people's bullshits. I want clearence. I want a new start with a different result. 

Even though, I'm not ready. But you are here anyway and nobody can stop you from arriving. 
I only wish that you won't be too disappointed in me too much. 

Sorry. 

I try again, this year. 

Your company, 
- n.

"Dalam bahasa yang juga kau mengerti
Aku akan belajar cara untuk menyampaikan cinta
Tanpa terdengar seperti sekedar buaian gombal
Supaya inginku tersampaikan
Supaya terbaca olehmu apa yang kurasakan
Dalam bahasa yang kita berdua sama-sama pahami
Pelan-pelan aku adaptasikan."


Zombies are not scary anymore
We don’t fight them because we are they
Anytime soon people will understand
God only create us to live
Every sins we made, it make us worse
Risk nothing but desire everything

I can’t believe that we drive ourselves backwards

I know that you think he was all yours
But he is his, before he was anyone else’s
You can’t keep him to yourself
He deserves some time on his own

Maybe you need him so much
Or miss him too much
Or willing to prove that he is still cares about you
To be honest, I don’t really give a damn about the reason
Why you do what you did
But I just want you to know that
You should not make everything about you
And your broken heart

I thought that you understand what I’m saying
Because you were with him earlier
You know exactly how busy he was
And how much he needs time to sleep
To get rest, to recharge
But then, I don’t get it
You just called and give him a reason to worry about you
Again and again

I’m not jealous of your capability
For making him drive at 3 am just to comfort you
I’m not jealous of things you once had together
Neither your tradition nor your memories
I’m not jealous of texts he still sends you
Just to remind you to take your medicine

I won’t compete with you for his attention
Because without competing, I already won
Perhaps that’s the reason why I couldn’t hate you
Even though, I desperately wanted to
But I can’t

Indirectly you drag me into your drama
As an ex-drama queen, I laughed so hard
On what you did
Because it was out of my league
If you really had to get his attention
Do it better than just letting the nurses
Sticking up needles to your veins
Come up with an unpredictable story
Build a strong scenario
So people won't laugh at you
For making it too obvious that
You both aren't together anymore

You can beg for his love
And his attention
Any time you want
I’m not going to forbid him to care about you
I won’t get in your way
But one thing that you have to consider twice
Please, give him space for himself
He has other business too
Besides taking care of you

And don’t worry about me
You are not breaking my heart, little sist
You are breaking yours
Remember that
I’m not your enemy
I’m just the girl he chose


- n.

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    all kind of people no matter what they do they all no stranger to the loneliness the one that sits alone in a fancy coffee shop...
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