I'd like to tell you, my future self, a story about the time when you hit your bottom of low self esteem and no self love remains. I never thought that I could feel that so here is a reminder.
Someone new in your life, which not very much play role, called you an unprivileged in economy and you are not fit in in their circle. She considered you as an inappropriate person to be friends with and share that thought to other people. When I found out about it I was shook to be honest, I mean, I never bother her, never have a meaningful conversation with her, never judge her, never make bad opinion either. However in another hand, she look very close to me, my details, and how I look. Maybe I wasn't in the right style for her to be friends with, but it's not like I wanna be friends with her either #nooffense
Later on, when I met her (in class) after I found that about it, I get pretty upset. I begin to pay attention to the way she look and what she wears and whom she be friends with. When I get home, I feel the most shitty feeling I have ever felt. Like, I can't even tell anyone how I feel, it's just mad and sad and confuse with who I am. Her words trigger my self esteem. I begin to feel bad about myself, consider myself as an ugly and weird kind of person. Even asking myself, "am I worthy?"
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Love yourself, first, always.
pic: weheartit.com/goldenrosaaa |
Day by day, it became worse, I was so lazy to do anything and just in bed, watching movies and mostly fall asleep. It sucks. That shitty feeling has been living and growing inside me just because one person say awful things. So, I force myself to get out of bed and clean my dorm, get my life back together, growing back my self love and saying repeatedly to the mirror, "you're beautiful just the way you are, you are enough, don't let other people tell you other wise,"
It wasn't a paved road and I'm still in the process to get back where I was. I even started gym to feel more grateful of my body and actual take care of it, cause it's where I live and I can not replace it with anything in this world, so it is my job to stay healthy. I also seek for support from my significant others. I tell my best friends, my boyfriend even my father about it, and they all laughed and wanting to punch her in the face and told me not to listen to whatever her opinion about myself because she is basically doesn't have anything that could infect me. Honestly, without their help, I might fall deeper into that shitty hole. It also make me realise that I have super supportive group of people who are constantly listening to my stories and truly care about me and she probably doesn't have one, and now I feel sorry for her.
The silver lining of this condition are I try something I've always wanted, I try my best to get out of my comfort zone, I lost myself and I'm on my way to embrace her even more, I realise I have loving people who always there for me and I need to be there for them too, I settle and breathe. I am enough. I am complete.
So, next time you feel that way ever again (I hope not), read this, and believe that you are everything to yourself. Don't beat your self up to fit into someone else's expectation. You don't need people who mould you and hold you back. Keep doing what you're doing. Keep making art. Keep listening to your old sad songs that you love. Keep writing sad poems. Keep warm. Keep being you.
You are unpredictable, that includes your shape, your heart and your mind.
XX, 22th Nadia.
