I am okay, I am just still not accept it. I can't forgive as easy as other people. I am not mad anymore, but I just can't pretend that everything is alright just because you made it out there. I am happy for your success, I really do, but I can't be there to support you, to listen to your stories of your absence this past year, not right now. So, I just smiled, I can't even wave you anything, just froze, pretending the video call is a picture. 

I am also glad that she found you. She lost her way a few times. She is lonely most of the times because you left her too, so even though she forgives and forgets, I couldn't. 

Sitting in the middle of the crowd, families and couples, seeing people are having their time together, having their own problems and struggles, makes me want to cuddle up with Boo in front of my TV and continue my dramas. The world has enough problems. I don't want to get involved yet.

So, continue the days, you have got her. You don't need me too, so please let me be, I don't know until when, but it definitely takes time. I can't promise you I'll be the same, in fact I can't promise you anything. Sometimes we just can't accept something, and that's the journey of life, right? 

This year I can finally say that life is getting better. I have many things to be thankful for, I am grateful every step of the way, although sometimes rain and storm come, but I always try to look forward for a rainbow. 

So, this is the recap of 2021:

1. I lost a parent this year. She is not dead, just gone, but somehow it makes everything worse because I was so confuse about how I should feel about it. She is gone, but I can't mourn, because she is alive, I can't act like everything is fine either because she is suddenly missing. So, how did I manage? I just hate her. That is the only exit door for me to feel something. I just hate her this entire year. 

2. I got married, which is the best thing that happen to me this year, we're walking slowly towards the life we have been dreaming and put on a deep thought about what is enough for us, it's not an easy answer, maybe because humans are never satisfied and that's what we're working on, so we can figure out when to fly, when to stop and when to enjoy things. I am grateful for the partner that I chose, he is the best thing that anyone can ask. He made me see the standard of man so high above. 

3. I started the internship to be notary for 24 months, the best thing is not 'starting' it, the best thing is doing it in Bapak Aji Suryana office. I am so lucky to work there. It was such a nice office, a kind boss, a non toxic environment, a great place to learn things. Not many office has the best of them, but mine has it all. 

4. I met a new best friend. Mba Tata, who feels more like a big sister. I have no idea how lucky I am this year, meeting her was a life changer. I can't believe I could befriend with someone so close in this age, I thought I can only have the best friend I've had since I was 14. She is energetic, inspiring and super generous. I learned a lot from her, maybe because we have many things in common, and we met every day. Now she is done with the internship, but I hope we can maintain our friendship. I hope nothing but the best for her, she is gonna walk very far in life, and I can't wait to know her stories. 

5. I got accepted to join ATR/BPN. Everyone say that I am beyond lucky and that's a big achievement, but deep inside there is something heavy that I feel...maybe because I won't continue the internship, and the notary journey that I work so hard for, maybe because I won't be notary any time soon, maybe because I'll give up on that dream...But to make it better, I promise myself that whenever you feel like you want to continue the notary journey, whenever you feel like you want to quit, you just do it. This is not a life time job. You can always choose your way. 

And that is it. The highlight of my 2021. 

NB:

Lately, I was thinking that maybe I should enjoy things a little bit. Life for now. I think the 'future' little me always dreaming is right here right now. She was so eager to jump out to the future to feel okay, to be okay, and I think that future is here, and I am willing to enjoy it for her. Little Nadia, we made it better. Things are better now. Thank you for not giving up to live this life. We did it. 

 How am I doing lately? Not great. It's been only five days since the scandal out and I feel like a wreck. First and second day I feel so bad but I can't explain it well because I basically feel this for the very time, so strange. The third day, which is the confirmation day, was the WORST, cry a lot, sleepless night, wondering all time, denial, defending, doubting everything. I for the first time, actually like a public figure, an actor, a korean actor, which I never thought I do. Kim Seon Ho oppa. He was just arrived at his top stairs, he was forces to jump, way down, almost rock bottom. You have no idea, how shitty - yourself - at twenty five years old - feeling towards the news and the scandal. 

As I'm writing this, I feel exhausted. I crave more good news, that he won't be banned in Korea, that he could get second chance at his career, that he will still continue his upcoming drama and his first movie ever. After a long long time, my heart actually finally breaks in pieces again, and the reason is someone that does not even know that I excited in this world. How...am...I...here?

Believe it or not, that's how I feel. I wanted to support him, but what can I do? Just staring at the news. Praying everything will be okay for him. I really wanted to see his acting skills in many dramas and movies and his voice at new singles and his cover photos of many magazines. He truly deserves the spotlights. Nobody knows his future career would look like, if Salt could save it, but I hope they do. I hope he come back even brighter and stronger and better than ever. In the meantime, I don't know how to calm this thoughts and heart, I keep using drama to distract myself. I'll be okay soon. He'll be okay soon. The situation will be okay soon. Gwenchana. 

 It just flies. September flies so fast, but I learned a lot this month. I learned to see the bright side, to let go of things, to be patient, to be impatient, to forgive for greater things, to believe that everything happens for a reason, to not be too harsh on giving advice, to be genuinely happy for other people, to try even though most likely to fail. 

I still get angry easily at certain things. Still holding some grudges at certain memories. I can't help it, I still take it personal. I don't have the time to work or heal from it, or I simply just don't want to, maybe because it's easier to hate than to understand, or maybe I just don't know what to feel in other way. 

I just finished 16 episodes, each is an hour and a half in one freakin' day, and I feel really good about it. I slept 4 hours, didn't eat much, but I like it. I mean, it's been a long time since I enjoy things like this. Wasting my time for something that actually entertain me and didn't expect something useful in my actual life. Perhaps, I finally start to slow down in life. 

I used to feel guilty every time I did something that consume my time but didn't gain real impact in my life. Like, I have to be productive most of the time. Even watching tiktok, I have to find new informations, inspirations, insights, and so on. I never fully enjoyed watching tiktok for hours because of that thoughts. But today was different. I was willingly to waste my time for True Beauty, watching Cha Eun Woo and the luckies girl on earth who got to kiss Cha Eun Woo and KIM SEON HO at probably the same year... Moon Ga-Young. 

Anyway, it's nice to finally slow down. Haven't been slowing down since first college. It's been exhausting. I hope I will be enjoying life more in the future, and not so insecure and stress-out about everything. Probably gonna add 'Watching Korean Drama' as my current hobby, lol. 

*You can breath now, Nad. Just enjoy the view. Enjoy the routine. It's okay. You can take your time as long as you want. You can be yourself and ignore the world. You don't have to achieve anything you don't want. Life is better when you slow down, right?*

Right. 

 I was so angry, I am angry. 

But I didn't think that being angry is this exhausting, because I used to be angry all the time and that didn't burden me at all. Now, it exhausting, so much. and I cant tell anyone about it. It's not that I dont have someone to talk to. It's no one else should ever know and I cant tell them. shouldnt. couldnt. wouldnt.

my anger is transforming into tears and probably disappointment. I just cry and maybe drowning myself in a good movies. I dont have to think about it so I dont get angry. I just have to live every single day until it doesnt hurt that much anymore. 

yes. i just need that. 

just go on with your live and live the day. smile and laugh about anything else. dont think about your problems, it doesnt exist if you dont think about it. I overthink a lot. that's why. I can't run away like I used to when I get mad. so, just run away from the problems and stay at home, hugging yourself, make yourself comfortable, you always have you. you are the best company. 

eat well. eat whatever you want. 

dont let the phone out of your sight because you need the distractions. it's okay, it'll pass. i keep playing the drama over and over again in my head and that makes my blood boil. i shouldnt. i should just laugh at a comedy drama. play games at my phone. clean the house. meal prep for the lunch at the office. dont take office too serious either. just enjoy being alone. just enjoy the present. it's okay, i'll pass. sorry for the bad grammar and the typos. 

I can calm myself. 

but the thoughts some times just stroke in my heart and anger and anger and anger. Nadia the angry one. bad at controlling the emotional. always angry, always mad. am i still that person deep down? maybe. some people say i change much. more calm. really? i dont know. all i know now is that being angry to someone you love is super exhausting, you dont want to be angry but you have to be. because if not, then they are gonna think that you're weak and soft and you lose control. 

maybe you have too much control over everything. 

yes, you are. because that's who you are. a controlling freak. i cant be controlled. i control everything, that's what i do. but why did they make it so easy to break my trust? now i'm left behind, figuring out what to do, what to feel, how to react to that betrayal. a very small betrayal that grows. it can grow if i let it bloom. i cant do that. should i be the possessive one? should i just gave up? what should i do?

you should stop overthink. 

yeah, that's what i should do now. imma fry some fries and drown myself in money heist season 5. I know i wont be 100% focus on the story, but at least i calm a little bit. okay. you can do it. eat and watch movies. take a rest. you deserve it. you did well. you did well. we can pass it though. i love you. 

The dust is thick, it smells awful. All the songs hurt. Lead me into the memories I rarely open because I used to think it was okay, it didn't hurt me. But I was dead wrong. I hurt you so bad. So bad even after all these years you still not able to look at me, even from the distance. You are my worst mistakes. I am sorry you have to deal with the very worst version of me. I swear I barely remember her, I barely her anymore. Thanks to you. 

The flashbacks made me disgust of myself. How I react, how I was so angry at all things, how I was so impatient of everything. How did you survive me and still want me even after those toxic moments I put you through? I can't even stand the memories of that person now. I don't even want to be friends with her. It must be hell back then. 

The songs talk about the promises, made me open the box of promises I said to you. There are so many, but I can't read them all 'cause most of them are blurred. But the worst was the one when I said that I don't want to make it a big deal about your birthday because I know that we'll have more birthdays coming to celebrate, you know, because we'll still be together. I remember you were so happy when I said so, I was a jerk, I didn't really mean it. I am sorry I made you believe in me. 

I am sorry you had to go through all those shitty memories about the girl with a short hair, your favorite one. I am sorry you fall for the broken and most damage me. I am sorry you had to be there in my lowest moments. I am sorry you had to deal with my first and only suicidal thoughts, all because I know you know exactly what to say. 

You were my best friend. My diary too. All the never ending conversation about random things. All the stupid jokes. All the drive and the secret city. But you are my regret now, I still hope in another life I didn't do it twice. Just know that even in my dreams, I am sorry.