Silver Lining

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Home Archive for October 2015
You know, I just can't see my mom the way I used to see her. I can't let myself treat her the way I treated her. 
Lately, I realize that she is just a lonely woman who lives with her two unware kids that she has to go to work everyday and clean the house and cook and still has to take care of herself. 
Since I've been sick, I see her in new ways more and more everyday. She is the only person who really does care so much about me, like she is me. She asked everything I need. She take care of literally everything, like I'm a child. My mom turns out to be the hero of my life. 

And how come that I only realize that now?

Mom. I love you. I need you to know that. 
I now finally realize the reason why girls always call their mom their heroes because they really are heroes. 

And you are mine. 

Even writing this making me cry. I was unware and unsensitive and unpolite. But I promise you I wouldn't be that girl anymore. In fact that, I'm terrified to live without you or the other way around, because basically mom, we only had each other. And while I'm unhealthy, please, hang on a little bit longer til I okay. Okay? 
I've never been hospitalized before. And I'm not planning to. Never do. 
But then, one day I wake up and cover by lots of...lots of blood. And that day was just unusual for me, neither for any other girls I guess. 

I asked my bestfriend that day of what should I do because I was worried with myself and also didn't want to step in middle of some else's path trying to make them with busy with my probs, but she said that I should tell at least my mom. I wondered if I tell my mom this problem would be big but what if IT IS big...

So, with all of my guts on me, I called my mom and tell her what happen. She sounds shaking and she told me stay in bed. 

Minutes later, she called me again m. she was telling me that she already arranged an appointment with a doctor at 8pm. 

Yeah... just like what I thought it would be

But looking for my condition, it was pretty scary for me. Scarier than facing a doctor. 

That evening, I dressed like a sick kinda girl because that was basically my feeling about it. And then it was my turn to see the doctor.

She checked me. USG me. And say, "you are so pale, I need to know your HB of blood"  (not so sure what she was talking about). Anyway, she asked me to go to the Laboratory and someone there take the sample of my blood and give me the result. I was hoping that the result is not bad because honestly I can't read what was written in that paper (you know, medical language, duh!)

After that I hand the result to my doctor and she said that I need a blood transfusion and my mom simply responed "Oh yeah, okay, fine." 
2 seconds later my doctor explained that to get the transfusion I have to be hospitalized. 

What? Who's talking about staying here and not coming back home? No I don't want to.

Then everything was taken control by mom. She wanted me to call one of my friend to accompany me there while she go back to the house and the shits I need. 

The nurses took me to the room that fill with two person. That room is quite small because it was full by two giant hospital bed. 
My mom asked for another room but they said it was full and that room was the only one left. I might have to wait for the next day probably there'll be an empty room.

So, that night I could sleep. That was the longest night in my whole life. 
I tried to sleep. I closed my eyes but then the lights were still on and it bothered me a lot. But I fell asleep maybe like 15 minutes or 20 then I wake up again. That repeat. And it sucks. I just couldn't wait for morning. 

Fortunately, in the morning, they got a new room. I moved in and it was so much better. I almost feel like I'm home. People were coming to visit, or gossiping (not so sure, lol), they bring foods and smiles. I have to admit that being sick sometimes the only way to gather people that always absence in other event. 


Ah. I'm not sure how to explain. All I knew is that I've been so fussy all the time. I grumble a lot. 
I also feel desire to be angry, simple things made me emotional easily so I yelled to people around, most of the time. And, I think I have a trust issue too. I started to think that people are more likely tell bullshits and lies rather than tell the truth. Anything they said, I calculated it and wonder if its lies or truth. What makes me more surprise is that I do that to people I trust the most and people I spent so much time with.

To be honest, I'm not quite understand what is happening. 
Maybe I just need more time of being alone, since I had so many homework and most of them in groups, I need more time to think.
Maybe I spent too much time doing something wasted. Maybe I have to be more focus of my life. 
I'm just guessing. 

Or this is a part of growing up. If that's really the reason, probably I have a chance to be scared. Because I don't wanna be an emotional-grown-ups-who-angry-all-the-time and nobody wants to get close to me. Getting older is scare me enough, and I hope I don't have to turned into a monster. 

Sometimes when I'm alone, I think I probably need psychologist or something to help me out. So, I can control my emotion and my wild thoughts about people. It's like I'm going crazy in a minute. 
This is far away from being comfortable. 

I hate it. Bring my innocent-me back. Please.
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