Being Angry

 I was so angry, I am angry. 

But I didn't think that being angry is this exhausting, because I used to be angry all the time and that didn't burden me at all. Now, it exhausting, so much. and I cant tell anyone about it. It's not that I dont have someone to talk to. It's no one else should ever know and I cant tell them. shouldnt. couldnt. wouldnt.

my anger is transforming into tears and probably disappointment. I just cry and maybe drowning myself in a good movies. I dont have to think about it so I dont get angry. I just have to live every single day until it doesnt hurt that much anymore. 

yes. i just need that. 

just go on with your live and live the day. smile and laugh about anything else. dont think about your problems, it doesnt exist if you dont think about it. I overthink a lot. that's why. I can't run away like I used to when I get mad. so, just run away from the problems and stay at home, hugging yourself, make yourself comfortable, you always have you. you are the best company. 

eat well. eat whatever you want. 

dont let the phone out of your sight because you need the distractions. it's okay, it'll pass. i keep playing the drama over and over again in my head and that makes my blood boil. i shouldnt. i should just laugh at a comedy drama. play games at my phone. clean the house. meal prep for the lunch at the office. dont take office too serious either. just enjoy being alone. just enjoy the present. it's okay, i'll pass. sorry for the bad grammar and the typos. 

I can calm myself. 

but the thoughts some times just stroke in my heart and anger and anger and anger. Nadia the angry one. bad at controlling the emotional. always angry, always mad. am i still that person deep down? maybe. some people say i change much. more calm. really? i dont know. all i know now is that being angry to someone you love is super exhausting, you dont want to be angry but you have to be. because if not, then they are gonna think that you're weak and soft and you lose control. 

maybe you have too much control over everything. 

yes, you are. because that's who you are. a controlling freak. i cant be controlled. i control everything, that's what i do. but why did they make it so easy to break my trust? now i'm left behind, figuring out what to do, what to feel, how to react to that betrayal. a very small betrayal that grows. it can grow if i let it bloom. i cant do that. should i be the possessive one? should i just gave up? what should i do?

you should stop overthink. 

yeah, that's what i should do now. imma fry some fries and drown myself in money heist season 5. I know i wont be 100% focus on the story, but at least i calm a little bit. okay. you can do it. eat and watch movies. take a rest. you deserve it. you did well. you did well. we can pass it though. i love you.