Not A Wedding Person

I decided that I'm not a big fan of a wedding.

It's funny tho, cause not long ago I was preparing for it like I was gonna marry the following day, like I was figuring out every details and stuffs and the dress and make up and the song I was going to play on my first dance.

Now?

Now everything about wedding making me sick.

Wedding cake, wedding type, wedding theme, wedding dress code, wedding lights, fuck it, fuck 'em all. Above it all, seeing people with other people holding each other hands and smiling like they're the only person in the room actually the hardest, it making my head ache. I don't know, perhaps I just dehidrated and need more water or some fresh air, but I can't stand sitting next to them and pretend like I was okay.

Seeing those people, making me questioning myself.

Am I happy?

Am I truly happy being alone?

Am I not lonely by being alone?

I guess that's what happen when someone reach a certain level of a broken heart that she became someone who hate seeing people be with other people while she's single, stands alone, fighting for herself to survive the wounds, putting back the broken part one by one - doing all of them, alone.

She is me. That's whats going on in my life right now.

Feeling something like that doesn't hurt much but enough to making me feel insecure. So, I decided to go home. I walk away from this beautiful wedding ceremony that I once imagine would happen for myself, and I'd like to avoid wedding from now on, until I no longer need to redeem myself from happy things that happen to other people's life that can't happen in mine.

It's not the sign of weakness, it's just how human heart react when they're reaching the very bottom.

You know that you're strong enough to walk alone but seeing someone else together could hurt your feelings too

It's okay, that's normal.